- What's the problem with communist jokes?
- Everyone has to get them or else they're not funny - How do all communist jokes start?
- With a glance over one's shoulder
- A man goes into a butchers and asks for some bread.
The butcher says, 'This is a butchers Comrade: here we have no meat. Over the road in the bakers is where they have no bread.' - A young Russian man wakes up one morning with a strong desire to work. That's strange, he thinks. Oh well, a quick nap will take care of that.
- 'Daddy?' a boy asks, 'What will communism be like when it is perfected?'
'All of our needs will be satisfied,' answers his father.
'But what if there is a shortage of meat?'
'Well, there will be a sign in the butchers that says "You do not need any meat today".' - What is three hundred metres long and doesn't eat meat?
- The queue for meat.
- While walking to work one morning, a Russian man passes two workmen working in the street. One is digging a big hole and the other is immediately filling it in.
In the afternoon, on his way home, he sees they have dug several holes and are still doing the same thing.
He goes over to them and asks them what they are doing.
'Well, Petr here digs a hole and Konstantin holds the tree whilst I fill in around it.'
'But there are no trees.'
'Yes, because Konstantin is off today.'
- An old man is dying. There comes a banging on the door.
‘Who's there?’ the old man asks.
‘Death,' comes the reply.
‘Thank God for that,’ he says, ‘I thought it was the KGB.'
- A Russian doctor bumps into an old friend from University who is carrying two large suitcases. 'Igor, it's me, your old friend Eugevny! How have you been? What are you up to?" the doctor asks.
'Eugevny! How good to see you! I've been promoted to engineering director of the entire Soviet space program, I'm happy to say.' Noticing his friend is wearing a very large, expensive-looking watch, he asks, 'That's a very attractive watch, Igor. Is it imported from Switzerland?'
The engineer replies 'No, this is state-of-the-art Soviet engineering! No watch in the world is like this one. It tells the time across all of the Soviet Union's time zones, has a liquid crystal display, contains it's own miniature atomic clock for accuracy, is completely shatter-proof, is designed to operate in the vacuum of space, can survive temperatures hotter than 800 degrees, and is waterproof to 500 meters."
'That's amazing, Igor." says the doctor, "And what about the suitcases?"
'Batteries for said watch.' - What do you get if you cross a German with a Russian?
- Somebody who is reliably late to work. - What's the difference between capitalism and communism?
- Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism it's the other way round.
- Q. Why do we need two central newspapers, The Truth and The News if both are organs of the same party?
A. Because in The Truth there is no news, and in The News there is no truth. - Lady 1: I hear there will be snow tomorrow.
Lady 2: Well, I'm not queuing for that! - Man 1, looking around: Is this it? Have we achieved full communism?
Man 2: Heck no, things are going to get much worse.
- Two inmates of a political prison are talking about their sentences.
'How long are you in for?'
- 'Ten years.'
'And what did you do?'
- 'Nothing.'
'Can't be: for nothing you only get five years!' - Q: Which is more useful for the people – newspapers or television?
A: Newspapers of course: you can't use a TV as toilet paper. - 'Dad, can I have the car keys?'
'OK, but don't lose them, we will get the car in only seven years.'
- A Russian newspaper announced that it welcomed letters to the editor. All correspondents were required to include their full name, address and next of kin.
- Q. What is a Soviet musical duet?
A. A musical quartet after a trip abroad. - A man bursts into the kitchen after a hunting trip with his friends and announces, 'My dear wife, you will not need to buy any meat this month.'
'Why,' she asks, 'did you shoot a moose?'
'No, I spent all of the housekeeping money on booze!' - An inspector asks a factory worker, 'What do you do here?'
'Nothing.'
'And what do you do here?', he asks another.
'Nothing.'
The inspector writes in his report: 'The second worker may be released for unnecessary duplication.' - What did the communists use to light their homes before using candles?
- Electricity - After years of saving up, a Soviet man finally has enough to buy a car. He goes to the appropriate ministry and informs them that he would like to purchase a vehicle.
“There are currently shortages, it will be three years before your car is available,” the minister informs the man. “We will have it sent to your house when it’s ready.”
"Three years," he responds. "What month?"
"August," says the minister.
"August? What day in August?" asks the man.
"The second of August," says the minister.
"Morning or afternoon?" asks the man.
"Why do you need to know?" Asks the minister, getting exasperated.
"The plumber is coming in the morning," the man responds.